My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
