1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
