Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
