I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
