Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
