i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
