No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
