I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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