you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
