how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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