god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
