its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
