Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
