Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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