not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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