I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
