i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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