Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
