it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
