I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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