I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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