and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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