just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
