my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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