Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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