Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
