and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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