I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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