in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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