When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
