Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
