Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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