He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
