someone threw a dead crab at me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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