You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
