I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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