I look better un-naked...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
