My Higher Power is John Stamos
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We had to coat check the pizza.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize