she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we made out on top of his cat.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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