I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
