The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
