Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
