Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
