im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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