I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
