just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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