Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
