We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
