How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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