I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
