I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
