I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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