She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
