she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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