If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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