you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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