his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
