I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We had sex on a dog bed..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
