That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
